Sharon and Wayne’s Wedding
This simple but hilarious script will put you right in the action of Jesus’s first miracle. It is easy to stage with one main character (Father of the Bride) and three walk-on, walk-off cameos. True to the Bible (mostly) and chock full of funnies – with just a hint of armadillo!
Even more – here’s a bonus MP3 of the script. Click below to hear our version.
- Father of the Bride – main character, flustered
- Head Waiter – rather pompous
- Mary – aunty of bride
- Bartender – practical
- FotB – mobile phone
- Head Waiter – piece of paper, wine glass
- Mary – mobile phone
Characters can be people or puppet performers, or a mixture of both.
The three cameos can all be played by the same person if required. Use accessories to distinguish them, eg, shawl for Mary, bow tie for Head Waiter, tea towel for Bartender.
The Father of the Bride stays centre stage throughout, while the Head Waiter, Mary and Bartender enter and leave. The Head Waiter can have lines written on the list.
FotB: It’s a disaster! A complete disaster! Our Sharon will kill me! I’ve ruined her wedding! People will be talking about this for years to come. “You remember Sharon and Wayne’s wedding?”, they’ll say, “What a disaster!” And I don’t know what Wayne will think of me. Father of the Bride, and I can’t even get the drinks right!
I mean, I ordered plenty, but then my sister Mary turns up with her lad (well, I say lad, he’s taken over his dad’s carpentry business now) and that’s fine, I was expecting them but … Mary’s lad is a bit of a celeb these days (he’s got a You Tube channel and everything), and it seems that he brought a whole load of friends with him.
Not that they’re not welcome. Any friend of Wayne’s, you know, but … well, you’d think they’d been in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights the way they can drink!
[enter Head Waiter]
HW: Ahem. Begging Sir’s pardon. I hate to trouble Sir, but we have reached a critical juncture.
The Guinness has gone.
The daiquiri is depleted.
The lager has legged it.
The vodka has vanished.
The whiskey has wandered.
The cider has ceased.
The prosecco has pushed off.
The claret has cleared off.
The champagne has shoved off.
The rose is removed.
The rum has run out.
The ale is absent.
And Carlsberg is probably the last lager in the world!
FotB: I see. The situation is rather desperate. But don’t panic. I have thought of a solution. I’ll order more drinks from Amazon.
HW: The river, Sir? Are you certain, Sir? I’m not sure that water will exactly cut it. I know some of the guests are bit blotto, but I think they’d notice if you tried to serve them water. Not that I’d dream of criticising. I’m sure Sir knows what he’s doing.
FotB: No, not Amazon the river, Amazon the place that sells everything. I’m sure I can order an instant download of drinks with Prime (other internet suppliers are available).
HW: That’s wonderful, Sir. I’ll get the wine glasses ready.
[exit Head Waiter]
FotB: [tapping on phone] Let’s see … wine … Chateau de Skunk … economy red … that’ll do … 20 litre barrel or 40? … 20’s plenty … ohh they’re got a special deal … 150 litres? Good grief! Why would anyone want that amount of wine? Far too much! … 20 litres of cheapy plonk will be fine.
Add to basket … checkout … express delivery, I hour … add card number … security number … PIN … password … memorable information … father’s sock size … and Confirm! [taps] Confirm! [taps again] Confirm? Please? [taps repeatedly]
No! No! [holding phone in air] Don’t drop the signal now! [runs around holding phone in air] NOOO!
Mary: Whatever is the matter? Why are you running around like a headless chicken?
FotB: Oh, Mary! Headless is what I’m going to be if I can’t order this wine! Our Sharon will have it on a pole if she finds out there’s nothing to drink. I was trying to order more, but my phone signal dropped before I could click confirm. Can I use your phone please?
Mary: [looking at phone] Sorry, mine doesn’t have a signal either. Must be the network.
FotB: What am I going to do? What am I going to do? This will go down in history as the worst wedding ever. They’ll probably write about it one day!
Mary: I might have an idea. I’ll get my lad onto it. Do whatever he tells you.
FotB: “Do whatever he tells you”? Mary’s lad? He’s a nice bloke, I’ll give you that, but he’s a carpenter. What’s he gonna do, build me a box to hide in? Help me make a bolt for the door? (Ha ha, gettit? Bolt for the … oh never mind.)
Bar: Ummn, ‘scuse me. I’m from behind the bar. I know this is gonna sound weird, but did you order 150 litres of tap water? That guy over there said you wanted it.
FotB: Water? No, I didn’t order water … wait … which guy?
Bar: That one over there – the one with the beard.
FotB: The one with the beard? Oh, very specific! But I think I know who you mean. Just do whatever he tells you. It’ll be fine. I hope.
FotB: What am I doing, letting Mary’s lad sort it out? What’s a carpenter going to do with all that water? Does he expect us the drink it or something? Oh, this is going to be a famous wedding – famous as the worst of all time. It’ll be in books and people will even preach sermons on it! Oh, the shame, the shame!
[enter Head Waiter with wine glass]
HW: Oh, Sir! Such exquisite taste! Such a delicate palate! Sir is so generous! So refined! So cultured!
FotB: Eh? What?
HW: Oh, Sir has no need to be coy with me. Sir said he would order more wine, and to be honest, I thought you would go for the economy red. And probably only the cheap-skate 20-litre barrel, too.
FotB: Well, I was going to, but the phone …
HW: Frankly Sir, I would not use that plonk to wash my wellingtons, but there are some fathers-of-the-bride who think it’s good enough for their guests. What can I say? Not everyone is as discerning as Sir.
FotB: But I didn’t …
HW: No need to be modest, Sir. I have tasted it! Such bouquet! Such nose! [tastes wine] Umm, umm, I’m getting fruity. I’m getting floral. I’m getting notes of hedgerow and leather and deep, musky undertones with just a hint of armadillo. And 150 litres! Sir is just too, too generous!
FotB: But I …
[exit Head Waiter]
FotB: I have no idea what just happened.
But one thing I do know. Our Sharon and Wayne’s wedding won’t be talked about now. Nor written about in a book. Just an ordinary wedding. Nobody will ever know about it outside of Cana of Galilee. It’s a miracle!
On the third day there was a wedding in Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the wedding. When the wine ran short, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” Jesus said to her, “Woman, how does your concern affect me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servers, “Do whatever he tells you.” Now there were six stone water jars there for Jewish ceremonial washings, each holding twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus told them, “Fill the jars with water.” So they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Draw some out now and take it to the headwaiter.” So they took it. And when the headwaiter tasted the water that had become wine, without knowing where it came from (although the servers who had drawn the water knew), the headwaiter called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves good wine first, and then when people have drunk freely, an inferior one; but you have kept the good wine until now.” Jesus did this as the beginning of his signs in Cana in Galilee and so revealed his glory, and his disciples began to believe in him.
New American Bible (Revised Edition)
With thanks to Steve Dawson for additional material.
I’m not saying he’s a drunkard, but the names of the alcoholic drinks came thick and fast – obviously a familiar topic. Jus’ sayin’.
MP3 recorded at Attic Studios by Steve Dawson, additional characters by Fay Rowland