One P’tater, Two P’tater …

This sketch is set in a school for potatoes and features Spud, a potato who thinks he is just ordinary and boring. We find out that in God (Creator P’tater, there’s no greater tater) the ordinary can be extraordinary.

There’s plenty of audience interaction, and roles for everyone in your school or Sunday school class, from the youngest tots to older kids and leaders. Click here for linked P’tater Prayers in another post. There is also a Spud Power battery activity for an up-front demo, or for a Messy Church or youth group activity, click here.

I’m a free-lance writer, and my children keep asking me to stop hiring their rooms out on AirBnB. Apparently sleeping in the kennel is not as much fun as it used to be. Kids, eh?

If you find these free resources useful, would you consider supporting my work? The price of a coffee a month would be great [click here] or whatever you can afford. But don’t worry if you can’t. You are very welcome to help yourself for free. Thank you.

This makes a great feature for a school Harvest service, or for Messy Church or All-Age Worship. It is designed to be very adaptable for schools and Sunday schools to perform. You can have a lot of children or just a few, with speaking or non-speaking parts.

The costumes and props are very simple, and making the p’tater headbands can be a fun craft activity for the children to make themselves.

Characters

Narrator P’tater – can also play Lunar
Educator P’tater – a careers advice teacher
Lunar Crater P’tater – an astronaut looking for recruits

Elevator P’tater (Ellie) – the posh kid
Refrigerator P’tater (Fridge) – the cool kid
Generator P’tater (Jenny) – energetic and brainy
Gladiator P’tater (Gladys) – big and tough, but a softy at heart
Spud – sad, thinks he’s rubbish
Spudlets – younger children, they have only one line which they say in chorus

Costumes

All characters have a P’tater on their head. This can either be a real potato stapled to a fabric strip and tied under the chin, or a card headband with a picture of potato. Infiltrator P’tater has a carrot instead of potato. Terminator P’tater is funniest played by a small girl who can say “I’ll be back” in a low voice.

Ellie wears lots of jewellery
Fridge has a leather jacket
Jenny has a white lab coat
Gladys wears sports gear
Spud has a Superman t-shirt under a zip-up hoodie or jacket
Ed is a teacher and Lunar is an astronaut

Staging

At one side of the stage there is a table and two chairs, one on each side.
Narrator stands at opposite sides of the stage. The Spudlets start off stage on Narrator’s side and perform their action centre stage.

One P’tater, Two P’tater …

Narr:
Hello everyone. My name is Narrator P’tater. I am from a nearby school for potatoes called King Edward’s. At King Edward’s, we teach young potatoes how to be the fine, upstanding vegetables we all know and love.

Would you like to meet some of the pupils from King Edward’s school?
[audience – yes]

You don’t sound very sure. Would you like to meet them?
[audience – YES!]

Great! First of all, I’d to introduce our younger children, the Spudlets! Can you guess their names? They all rhyme with P’tater.

Spudlets enter in turn. Each child hands a slip of paper with lines to Narr and does an action to match their P’tater character. Audience guesses the character’s name. Narrator helps. You can have as many P’tater characters as you like. Add more to this list, or choose just some of them.

[Spudlet 1 enters, hands Narr slip with lines and does action centre stage]

Narr:
I am toothy and I’m snappy. If I bite you I’ll be happy!
What P’tater am I? [wait for audience to guess] Alligator P’tater!

[Spudlet 1 steps back and starts a line across stage, Spudlet 2 enters and repeats moves]

With my magnifying eye, all the clues I will espy!
What P’tater am I? Investigator P’tater!

I’m the heating on the wall, so the temperature won’t fall.
What P’tater am I? Radiator P’tater!

With a roller and a brush, I’ll paint ceilings in a rush!
What P’tater am I? Decorator P’tater!

I am orange and I’m pointy and I sound just like a parrot,
Do you think I’m a P’tater? Ha, Ha, Ha! No I’m a …
Hey! Get out of here, you naughty Infiltrator P’tater!
[chases Spudlet away]

I’m the very best at digging, even better than a mole,
I am yellow and gigantic, a machine that makes a hole.
What P’tater am I? Excavator P’tater!

I have little tiny wheels on the bottom of my feet.
I can zoom around a rink, or a playground or a street.
What P’tater am I? Roller-skater P’tater!

I ride a motorbike and I always dress in black,
and you’ll know it’s near the end when I tell you [low voice, possibly by child] “I’ll be back”.
What P’tater am I? Terminator P’tater!

Narr:
These are our Spudlets. Let’s see your actions again. [Spudlets do actions]
Now it’s time to say goodbye. Everyone help me please with ‘Bye Bye, Spudlets’.

[audience] Bye Bye, Spudlets.

Spudlets:
See you later, P’tater! [Spudlets exit, waving]

Narr:
And now we can meet some of our older pupils, who are almost ready to leave King Edward’s and start their first jobs.

[Ellie enters]

Ellie: [posh voice]
I go up to the top floor, but never use stairs,
I always give a lift to people travelling up there.
What P’tater am I? [pause] Elevator P’tater!
My family is related to the Lincolnshire P’taters, don’t you know. You may call me Ellie, but remember to curtsey. [steps back and starts a line across stage]

Fridge: [cool dude]
I am cooler than cool, I make ice look hot.
I am ruling this school when I’m chillin’ in this spot.
What P’tater am I? [pause] Refrigerator P’tater!
My friends call me Fridge. Chill! [stands next to Ellie]

Jenny: [bounces on]
I’m bang full of energy, Kilowatt-hours,
electric potential and voltage and power.
What P’tater am I? [pause] Generator P’tater!
Just call me Jenny for short. [Stands next to Fridge]

Gladys: [pretend sword fighting]
I am strong and I’m tough. I love running, I love climbing.
I’m the roughest of the rough, but I’m not that good at r… making words sound the same at the end.
What P’tater am I? [pause] Gladiator P’tater! Huuuuuh! [strong man pose]
[pause, looking embarrassed] My real name is Gladys. I’m named after my gran, OK?

Narr:
It’s a fine name, Gladys. And your gran is a lovely lady.

Gladys:
Yeah, she is. So don’t diss her, right? Huuuuuh! [Stands next to Jenny]

Narr:
And our final P’tater is …
[Spud slouches on and does nothing]
Do you have a name?

Spud: [shrugs]
Spud.

Narr:
Spud. Is that it? No nickname?

Spud:
No. There’s nothing special about me. Nothing to say. Just Spud.

Narr:
Alright then Spud. It’s great to have you here. If you could join your classmates, we’re ready to start the big event of the day.

[Spud stands next to Gladys]

Can we all do a drum roll please [audience drum roll] to welcome your host, Educator P’tater, and The Careers Fair! [everyone cheers, Narr exits and becomes Lunar if playing both roles]

[Ed enters, carrying five sheets of paper and sits on one of the chairs]

Ed:
Thank you everyone for coming. We have a lot of jobs for bright young P’taters like yourselves, and I’m sure we can find the right career for each of you.
OK. Who’s first?

Ellie: [sitting in other chair]
Me, of course. I’m always first. I’m a perfect little princess. That’s what daddy says.

Ed:
I’m sure you are. But even perfect princesses need a career. What sort of P’tater would you like to be when you finish here at King Edward’s?

Ellie:
Well, I’ve not really thought about it. What are the options?

Ed:
Garlic and Herb Potato Wedges are very popular at the moment, as are Curly Fries. If you prefer more the education route, there are always vacancies for Alphabites.

Ellie:
Oh, I don’t know. I was hoping to work with animals.

Ed:
I have a job here for Dino-dippers. It’s mashed potato in the shape of dinosaurs.

Ellie:
Ew! Mash? I don’t think so. What else do you have?

Ed: [shuffling through papers]
Ummn, Chips? [sees Ellie’s face] OK, not Chips. I suppose Crisps are out too? Yes.
Ummn, I’m not sure what else we have… ah what about this? [shows sheet]
It’s a little unusual, not very common. You’d be baked in cream and served at a very posh restaurant. It’s called Potatoes Dauphinoise, named after a French prince, you know.

Ellie:
It sounds perfect! [takes sheet and exits]

Ed:
Next!
Mr Fridge, isn’t it?

Fridge: [sitting in the chair]
That’s right, man. What’cha got for me?

Ed:
Well, we do have this very interesting opportunity for someone in the Mash department, if you fancy that.

Fridge:
Ah, man. Mash ain’t cool, you know? You got any jobs for a Jacket? [tweaks jacket]

Ed:
Not at the moment, sorry. But I could recommend you for the Roast Potato Training Scheme. [pulls out a sheet] It would be hard work, but you’ve got the grades for it.

Fridge:
Now you’re talking! Roasties and Yorkshire Pudding. Mmm-hmmm! [takes sheet and exits]

Ed:
Who’s next?
Ah, Jenny the Generator. What did you have in mind for your future career?

Jenny: [sitting down and standing up and walking around and sitting again etc]
Well, first I thought I could be Crisps, but then I thought ‘everyone is Crisps’, so then I thought I could be Potato Waffles, but [getting faster ] I’m not sure they have the right vitamins and minerals, so then I fancied those Wedges with the skins still on, that’s a little bit more healthy [even faster] than deep fried Chips, at least I think it is, although of course there are Oven Chips too, [even faster] and then I wondered about Croquette Potatoes, just for something different, but they sounded a bit too French, so in the end [flopping on chair] I really don’t know.

Ed: [showing a sheet of paper]
Have you considered Mash? I have a very interesting opportunity for a Mashamatician.

Jenny:
Mash? I don’t think so! I’d rather be a Crisp. [takes a different sheet and exits]

Ed:
I do hope someone wants this Mash job. It’s really good.
Who’s next? Ah yes, it’s [looks at papers] Gladiator P’tater, yes?

Gladys: [sitting down]
Yeah, that’s me.

Ed:
You are our top sportsman: our champion long jumper, high jumper, wide jumper, wooly jumper, football, volleyball, basketball and glitterball. And you hold the record for the most press-ups in a minute while reciting your thirteen times table! Amazing!

I assume that you’re looking for one of our more action-packed assignments, yes?
I have a wonderful position for someone of your talents.
[waves a sheet of paper] You are the perfect potato for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be Mash for the International Spa …

Gladys: [interrupting, so start talking at “International”]
Actually, [looking round to check that no-one is listening, then leaning in] I don’t want the tough-guy job.
I just want to make little kiddies happy. I want to be them little round things with the happy smiles on ‘em, and you bake ‘em in the oven and kids love ‘em with chicken nuggets. You know what I mean?

Ed: [loudly]
Smiley Faces?

Gladys: [shushing him]
Keep your voice down! I’ve got my image to think of.
Have you got a job being Smiley Faces or not?

Ed:
Er, yeah. [pointing at other sheet] But don’t you want to work on the Inter …

[Gladys takes other sheet and exits, looking round]

Ed: [watching Gladys leave]
… national Space Station?
[sigh] I’m never going to get anyone for this job.

Next!
[Spud enters, slumps in chair and stares at Ed]
So, Spud, what would you like to do when you leave King Edward’s?

Spud:
[shrugging] Dunno. I can’t do anything. I’m just an ordinary spud.

Ed:
There are no ordinary spuds, Spud.
God, our Creator P’tater (there’s no greater ‘tater) made you for a job that no-one else can do. And you have a special place in his heart. Listen, here’s what it says in Holy Crispture:

When I look at the sky, which you have made,
    at the moon and the stars, which you set in their places—
what are P’taters, that you think of them;
    mere Spudlets, that you care for them?
Yet you made them inferior only to yourself;
    you crowned them with glory and honour.

Every P’tater is a thing of wonder, Spud. We are not just P’taters, we are tasty snacks for lunches, wholesome healthy dinners, warming winter meals, picnic food, posh food or a cheeky cheesy chips on a Friday night. You can’t call that ordinary!

Spud:
Yeah, those are all great, but they’re for other P’taters. I already know what I’m going to be.

Ed:
What’s that?

Spud:
Mash. Plain old boring Mash. Everyone’s Mash in my family.
My brothers and sisters are Mash. My mum is Mash and my dad is Mash, and all my grannies and grandads were Mash.
All my life is learning Mash, Mash, Mash and more Mash.

Ed:
Did you say Mash?

Spud:
Yeah. I mean, Mash is OK, I suppose. But it’s just SO BORING!
If only I could be Mash … I dunno … somewhere a bit different, somewhere exciting for a change.

Ed: [standing]
You just sit right there. I know someone who will be very pleased to meet you.

[off stage] Captain Crater, are you there? I think I have found your new recruit.

[Lunar enters]
This is Spud. He’s a Mashamatician, and comes from a whole family of Mashamaticians. Very experienced and wanting to be Mash somewhere different, somewhere exciting!

Lunar: [to Spud]
Then you’re perfect! Just perfect! You are exactly who I’ve been waiting for!

Spud:
I am? Who are you?

Lunar: [enthusiastically shaking Spud’s hand]
My name is Captain Lunar Crater P’tater from International Space Command, and I am looking for someone very special.

Spud: [getting up as if leaving]
Oh, OK. I’ll go and get the others.

Lunar:
No, no. Come back. I meant you! I need someone to be Mash on our next mission to the International Space Station.

Our astronaut, Spud Aldrin, has nothing to mop up his gravy, and nothing to make his peas stick to his fork. The International Space Station is a dreadful mess right now, with peas and gravy floating everywhere. We need someone who can be Mash for us. Will you do it?

[gazing wistfully into the middle distance] You could fly in space at 17,000 miles per hour, floating around in tasty blobs of yummy goodness, and keeping our astronauts happy and well-fed. [kneeling and pleading] We need you, Spud, we need you.

Spud:
Wow! I thought that Mash was nothing special, but the ordinary is extraordinary!

No longer am I a plain old boring Spud. Now I am Spud-nik, the Space P’tater!
And I will work for International Space Command as …
[unzipping hoodie to reveal large ‘S’ on chest] … SuperMash!

[runs round stage in Superman pose while all cheer then exits, Lunar follows]

Ed:
So, while Spud-nik is Russian here and Russian there, all that remains is to say:
[American accent]
That’s one small Chip for a man, one giant for helping of Mash for mankind. [exits]